I can vividly remember sitting in the fellowship hall of FBC Hattiesburg on a Wednesday night. My choices had been riddled with actions and attitudes unbecoming of me.  As I sat in those metal and vinyl chairs that night, the pastor looked at me and asked me to read a verse. It was out of the letter of 1 Peter. I don’t remember what I was wearing or who was sitting on either side of me.  What I do remember was as I read that verse, it wasn’t my own voice I heard…well, audibly it was, but in my heart it wasn’t.

“Be holy because I am holy.”

Morality or Holiness?

If I could have emojified myself at that point, I would have looked a little stunned and embarrassed. You know which emoji I mean…wide-eyed and red cheeked. Why me out of a room full of people?  I am more than aware of my failures…regrettably I have lived each and every one of them.  I cannot change who I have been.  And, at that time in my life, I had no idea where to even begin.  But I had come to the conclusion that it was in the realm of morality…because in my good little Southern Baptist girl heart somehow morality and holiness were connected. If only being good enough were just that, enough.  SPOILER ALERT: It’s not.

Year in and year out, I have gone back to that verse in 1 Peter 1.  That night and that verse were pivotal in my relationship with Christ. Yet I have continued in my pursuit to be perfect…not holy.  Modifying my behavior hoping against hope that it would change something in me and for me.  But, I’m broken…irreparably so this side of eternity.  My own moral goodness will never make me unbroken in the sight of God.  What’s more is the fact that someone, Jesus of Nazareth, the Christ, allowed himself to be broken for me.  He took on my sins and my shame bearing them on the cross that I, having put my trust completely in Him, would not have to bear the weight of them myself.

What is holy?

In dealing with my brokenness, I have come to the realization that holiness and morality are not synonymous.  Holiness is being set apart.  It is the difference in our actions, thought processes and relationships because the world looks, thinks and acts in ways that may appear moral and good, much like a perceived person of faith, but are doing so outside of the covering of Christ.  Because I have been there, doing the good deeds and appearing morally right even when I was far from Christ. Well then what does holiness really look like?  Holiness is not at all what I ever imagined.  It is radical and other-worldly, mundane obedience, and war-waging against unseen forces. Demonstrating restraint and power…silencing fools and making room for such people at the table.

This holiness is not a sword to wield.  As a matter of fact, it pierces most deeply the one trying to use it against another.  Holiness is a tool that shapes us into more of the likeness of Christ.  Because I did not understand the difference between morality…being good…and holiness, I often used my morality as a tool that inflicted injury on others – in word and deed. Now, as I pursue Christ, I have found that holiness is between me and the Lord…not me and you – though you may benefit as well.  It isn’t for me to call you out for not being holy.  Though I am a fruit inspector, and if you claim to be a Christ-follower living under the leadership of the Holy Spirit, I can check to see what is being produced in your life…as you can mine.

Now…

I am not about to make any Rick Astley promises. I will let you down. And I’m sure that at some point I will hurt you. In my brokenness there are still plenty of rough edges that The Lord is having to smooth out in me.  But I’m learning that brokenness is okay, and it goes best with holiness.  I am set apart, learning, growing and being made to be more like Jesus – as a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend and human being. If anything, pursuing perfection left me dry, rigid and dead inside.  Pursing Christ has given me life and abundant joy.